Chloe Chandler: Another Disney Story
by Horny-bimbo
Summary: Mulan version of LOTR, btw Boromir is an asshole! lol Chloe/Legolas


_*****A painting of the Great Wall of Middle-Earth is slowly painted across the screen. The painting becomes real life and a Gondorian soldier walks around his post. Suddenly, a bird of prey hits the back of his head ...*****_

**Soldier**: Ah!

_*****The hawk lets out a call. The soldier walks over to the edge of the wall. A hook comes flying up, followed by many more.*****_

**Soldier**: _[Running back to his post]_ We're under attack! Light the signal!

*******_**The door opens, revealing a couple of Orcs. The soldier climbs up the ladder.*****_

**Soldier**: _[lighting the signal with a torch, while staring at the leader; other signals go on all the way along the Great Wall]_ Now all of Middle-Earth knows you're here.

**Sauron**: _[picking up a flag and toasting it in the signal fire]_ Perfect.

***** **_**The Gondorian General, Thranduil, and two soldiers walk into the King's chamber and bow.*****_

**Thranduil**: Your Majesty, the Orcs have crossed our Northern Border.

**Boromir**: Impossible! No one can get through the Great Wall!

_*****He is silenced with a raised hand from the King*****_

**Thranduil**: Sauron is leading them. We'll set up defenses around your palace immediately.

**Aragorn**: No! _[Standing up]_ Send your troops to protect my people! Boromir!

**Boromir**: Yes, your Highness.

**Aragorn**: Deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces. Call up reserves, and as many new recruits as possible.

**Thranduil**: Forgive me, your Majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him.

**Aragorn**: I won't take any chances, Thranduil. A single grain of rice can tip the scale; one man may be the difference between victory and defeat.

**Chloe**: _[eating cereal]_ Quiet and demure ... graceful, polite, delicate, refined, poised ..._[she picks up a writing quill and makes a mark on her arm]_ ... punctual! _[A rooster crows]_ Aaiee! _[Blowing on her arm]_ Little brother! Little brother! Little-

_*****She glances down at a sleeping dog on the floor*****_

**Chloe: **Ah! There you are! _[The dog wakes up]_ Who's the smartest doggy in the world? C'mon, smart boy! Can you help me with my chores today?

_*****She ties a sack of chicken feed to his back, complete with a pole and a bone attached. Little Brother immediately chases the bone, running promptly into a wall and then out the door, scattering grain everywhere.*****_

**William**: _[praying]_ Honourable Valar... please help Chloe impress the Matchmaker today. _**[Little Brother, followed by a herd of chickens, bursts into the Family temple.]**_Please, please help her.

**Chloe**: Father, I brought you some ... Whoop! _[bangs into William, he catches the tea pot on his cane while the cups hit the ground and shatter]_

**William**: Chloe ...

**Chloe**: I brought a spare!

**William**: Chloe ...

**Chloe**: Remember, the doctor said three cups of tea in the morning ...

**William**: Chloe.

**Chloe**: ... and three at night.

**William**: Chloe. You should already be in town. We're counting on you to ...

**Chloe**: Uphold the Family honour. Don't worry, Father. I won't let you down. Wish me luck!

**William**: Hurry! I'm going to ... pray some more.

_**-In town-**_

**Woman #1**: Fiona, where is your daughter? The Matchmaker is not a patient woman.

**Fiona**: Of all the days to be late! I should have prayed to the Valor for luck.

**Granny**: How lucky can they be? They're dead. Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need. _[Holds up a wicker cage with a cricket inside.]_ This is your chance to prove yourself. _[She closes her eyes and steps off the sidewalk.]_

**Fiona**: mother! No!

_*****Granny walks across the street; vehicles crash, but she emerges unharmed.*****_

**Granny**: Yup! This cricket's a lucky one!

_*****Fiona sighs**_**. **_**Chloe comes riding up on Anor, and hops off.*****_

**Chloe**: I'm here! _[looks at her mother]_ What? But, Mama, I had to-

**Fiona**: None of your excuses. Now, let's get you cleaned up.

**Woman #1**: _This is what you give me to work with?  
Well, honey, I've seen worse.  
We're going to turn this sow's ear  
Into a silk purse. _

**Chloe**: It's freezing!

**Fiona**: It would've been warm, if you were here on time.

**Woman #1**: _We'll have you, washed and dried  
Primped and polished till you glow with pride  
Just my recipe for instant bride  
You'll bring honour to us all._

**Fiona**: Chloe, what's this?

**Chloe**: Uh ... notes ... in case I forget something.

**Granny**: Hold this. _[Hands Crickee to Fiona]_ We're going to need more luck than I thought.

**Woman #2**: _Wait and see, when we're through_

**Woman #3**: _Boys will gladly go to war for you_

**Woman #2**: _With good fortune_

**Woman #3**: _And a great hairdo_

**Both**: _You'll bring honour to us all._

_A girl can bring her family  
Great honour in one way  
By striking a good match  
And this might be the day_

**Woman #4**: Men want girls with good taste

**Woman #5**: Calm

**Fiona**: Obedient

**Woman #5**: _Who work fast-paced_

**Fiona**: _With good breeding _

**Woman #5**: _And a tiny waist_

**All**: _You'll bring honour to us all. _

_We all must serve King Aragorn  
Who guards us from the Orcs  
A man by bearing arms  
A girl by bearing sons_

**Woman #6**: _When we're through,  
You can't fail  
Like a lotus blossom, soft and pale  
How could any fellow say, "No sale"?  
You'll bring honour to us all! _

**Fiona**: There, you're ready.

**Granny**: Not yet! _An apple for serenity  
A pendant for balance  
Beads of jade for beauty  
You must proudly show it  
Now, add a cricket, just for luck,  
And even you can't blow it!_

**Chloe**: _Dear Valar, hear my plea,  
Please don't let me make a fool of me  
And to not uproot my family tree  
Keep my father standing tall._

_Scarier than the Undertaker,  
We are meeting our matchmaker!  
Destiny, guard our girls,  
Help our future as it fast unfurls  
Please look kindly on these cultured pearls  
Each a perfect porcelain doll ..._

_Please bring honour to us  
Please bring honour to us  
Please bring honour to us  
Please bring honour to us  
Please bring honour to us all! _

**Matchmaker**: Chloe Peredhil?

**Chloe**: Present!

**Matchmaker**: Speaking without permission ...

**Chloe**: Oops ... _[They go inside]_

**Granny**: _[to Fiona]_ Who spit in her bean curd?

**Matchmaker**: Too skinny ... not good for bearing sons.

_*****Crickee hops out of his cage, Chloe frantically tries to put him back in.*****_

**Matchmaker**: Recite the Final Admonition.

**Chloe**: Mmm-hmm-hmm ... _[pulls out a paper fan and spits Crickee out]_

**Matchmaker**: Well?

**Chloe**: Fulfill your duties, calmly and ... _[glances down at the crib notes written on her arm, which are smeared slightly]_ respectively. Um, reflect before you ... snack. Act! This shall bring you honour and glory.

_*****She fans herself, the matchmaker grabs the fan and searches it for cheat notes. Finding none, she grabs Chloe by the arm (where the notes are!) and pulls her toward a table. The writing comes off in her hand.*****_

**Matchmaker**: This way. Now, pour the tea. To please your future in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity _[she rubs her hand over her mouth, and the ink rubs off with a squeak]_ and refinement. You must also be poised.

_*****Chloe, staring at the Matchmaker, pours the tea but misses the cup, then regains her composure and quickly fills the teacup. **__**Chloe notices Crickee relaxing happily in the tea. The Matchmaker takes the teacup.*****_

**Chloe**: Um, pardon me ...

**Matchmaker**: And silent! _[sniffs the tea]_ Ah ...

**Chloe**: Could I just take that back? One moment ... _[She grabs for the cup]_

_*****The Matchmaker fights for the teacup, and they both fall back, the tea spilling all over the Matchmaker. Crickee hops down her dress.*****_

**Matchmaker**: Why, you clumsy! ... Oh! Ah! Woo!

_*****She trips over the fire-pot, spilling the coals and then sitting on them, the bottom of her dress smoking. Chloe desperately fans the burned spot, and it bursts into flames. The matchmaker runs around screaming.*****_

_**-Outside-**_

**Granny**: _[To Fiona]_ I think it's going well, don't you?

_*****The matchmaker runs outside, screaming.*** **_

**Matchmaker**: Put it out! Put it out! PUT IT OUT!

_*****Chloe throws tea over her, putting out the fire. Embarrassed, she hands the teapot to the Matchmaker and quickly walks toward Fiona and Granny.*****_

**Matchmaker**: _[furious]_ You are a DISGRACE! You may look like a bride, but you will NEVER bring your family honour!

_*****People start to walk away, whispering.*****_

_**-At the Peredhil Farm- **_

_*****Chloe is greeted with a warm smile by her father, but, humiliated, she turns away and takes Anor to the stable.*****_

**Chloe**: _Look at me ... I will never pass for a perfect bride  
Or a perfect daughter  
Can it be?  
I'm not meant to play this part?  
Now I see  
That if I were truly to be myself  
I would break my family's heart._

_Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight back at me  
Why is my reflection someone I don't know  
Somehow I cannot hide  
Who I am, though I've tried  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am, inside? _

**William**: My, my, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. I bet when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all.

_*****Drums sound*****_

**Chloe**: What is it?

_*****Gondorian soldiers and Boromir come riding over a hill.***** _

**Fiona**: Chloe, stay inside.

**Granny**: Ahem. _[points toward a low roof.] _

_*****Chloe runs over to it and peers over the roof*****_

**Boromir**: Citisens! I bring a proclamation from the City of Minas Tirith! The Orcs have invaded Middle-Earth! By order of King Aragorn, one man from every family must serve in the Gondorian Army. _[Reading from list]_ The Marrow family! The Fangorn family!

**Son**: I will serve the king in my father's place.

**Boromir**: The Peredhil family!

**Chloe**: No!

_*****Her father walks over to Boromir.*****_

**William**: I am ready to serve King Aragorn.

**Chloe**: Father, you can't go!

**William**: Chloe!

**Chloe**: _[To Boromir]_ Please, sir, my father has already fought for-

**Boromir**: Silence! You will do well to teach your daughter to hold her tongue in a man's presence.

**William**: Chloe. You dishonour me.

**Boromir**: Report tomorrow at the Celedhriel camp. _[He hands William a scroll.]_

**William**: Yes, sir.

**Boromir**: _[Continues to read]_ The Haradion family! The Denethor family! The Yook family!

_**-In William's bedroom-**_

_*****William yanks open his closet, revealing a suit of Gondorian armour, and unsheaths a sword. Chloe watches. He practices techniques, but his leg gives out and he falls against a pillar, panting.*****_

_**-At dinner-**_

_*****Chloe pours the tea, then sets her cup down with a bang.*****_

**Chloe**: You shouldn't have to go!

**Fiona**: Chloe!

**Chloe**: There are plenty of young men to fight for Middle-Earth!

**William**: It is an honour to protect my country and my family.

**Chloe**: So you'll die for honour.

**William**: I will die doing what's right.

**Chloe**: But if you ...

**William**: I know my place. It is time you learned yours.

_*****Chloe stares at her father for a moment, then runs outside crying. Chloe is sitting in a statue of a dragon, crying. It is raining. Through the window of her house, she can see her mother and father talking. William picks up the candle and blows it out. Chloe thinks for a minute, then makes her decision.**_

_**Chloe walks into the family Temple and lights a stick, placing it in a hanging statue of a small dragon. She runs into her parent's room, taking the scroll and leaving her hair comb. Taking her father's sword, she cuts her hair short and puts on her father's armour. Going out to the stable, she mounts Anor and sets off for the army. **_

_**The eyes of a statue in the temple flash, and Granny wakes up.*****_

**Granny**: Chloe is gone!

**William**: What? It can't be ... _[He runs outside]_ Chloe! No ...

**Fiona**: You must go after her. She could be killed.

**William**: If I reveal her, she will be.

**Granny**: Valar, hear our prayer. Watch over Chloe.

_*****In the family Temple, the characters on a tombstone light up, and they turn into the Great Ancestor.*****_

**Great Ancestor**: _[To the small hanging dragon statue]_ Pippin, awaken.

_*****The statue shakes and smokes.*****_

**Pippin**: I live! So, tell me, what mortal needs my protection, Great Ancestor. You just say the word, and I'm there.

**Great Ancestor**: Pippin ...

**Pippin**: And lemme say something, anyone who's foolish enough to threaten OUR family, vengeance will be MINE! Grr ... arrgh ...

**Great Ancestor**: Pippin! These are the family guardians. They ...

**Pippin**: Protect the family.

**Great Ancestor**: And you, O Demoted One ...

**Pippin**: I bring the gone.

**Great Ancestor**: That's right. Now, wake up the Ancestors ...

**Pippin**: One family reunion coming right up. Okay, people, people, look alive! Let's go, c'mon, get up! Let's move it! Rise and shine! Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing.

**Ancestor #1**: I knew it, I knew it. That Chloe was a troublemaker from the start.

**Ancestor #2**: Don't look at me, she gets it from your side of the family!

**Ancestor #3**: She's just trying to help her father!

**Ancestor #4**: But if she's discovered, William will be forever shamed. Dishonour will come to the family. Traditional values will disintegrate!

**Ancestor #5**: Not to mention they'll lose the farm!

**Ancestor #1**: My children never caused such trouble; they all became acupuncturists!

**Ancestor #2**: Well, we can't all be acupuncturists!

**Ancestor #6**: No! Your great-granddaughter had to be a CROSS-DRESSER!

_*****The Ancestors start to argue*****_

**Ancestor #7**: Let a guardian bring her back!

**Ancestor #2**: Yes! Awaken the most cunning!

**Ancestor #4**: No! The swiftest!

**Ancestor #8**: No, send the wisest!

**Great Ancestor**: SILENCE! We will send the most powerful of all.

**Pippin**: _[laughs]_ Okay, okay, I get the Jif. I'll go.

_*****Laughter*****_

**Pippin**: Well, y'all don't think I can do it! Watch this here! _[Blows a tiny flame]_ Ah-hah! Jump back, I'm pretty hot. But I don't have to singe nobody to prove no point.

**Great Ancestor**: You had your chance to protect the Peredhil family.

**Ancestor #6**: Your misguidance led Fang to disaster!

**Fang**: Yeah, thanks a lot.

**Pippin**: And your point is?

**Great Ancestor**: The point is, we will be sending a REAL dragon to retrieve Chloe.

**Pippin**: What? What? I'm a real dragon!

**Great Ancestor**: You're not even worthy of this thought! Now, awaken the Great Stone Dragon!

**Pippin**: So you'll get back to me on the job thing. _[He is hit in the face with his cymbol._

**Pippin**: Just one chance. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's not like it'll kill you. _[To the dragon statue]_ Yo, Rocky, wake up! You gotta go fetch Chloe! C'mon, boy! Go get her! Go on! C'mon! _[He climbs up on the statue, dragging the cymbol.] _Grr ... arrgh. Grr. Hello? Helloooo? HELLO! _[He hits the ear of the dragon with the cymbol, and it falls off. Suddenly, the entire statue falls apart.]_ Uh-oh ...

**Pippin**: Uh ... Stoney? Stoney ... Oh, man, they're gonna kill me!

**Great Ancestor**: Great Stone Dragon! Have you awakened?

**Pippin**: _[Holding up the head of the Great Stone Dragon]_ Uh, yes, I just woke up! Um, I am the Great Stone Dragon! Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Chloe! Did- did I mention that I am the Great Stone Dragon?

**Great Ancestor**: Go! The fate of the Peredhil family rests in your claws.

**Pippin**: Don't even worry about it. I will not lose faith. _[He loses his balance and tumbles down the hill, the dragon head landing on top of him.]_ Ow, ah, my elbow. Oh, oh, I know I twisted something. _[He lifts the head off.]_ That's just great, now what? I'm doomed, and all because Ms. Man decided to take a little drag show on the road.

**Crickee**: Chirp.

**Pippin**: Go GET her! What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone Humptey Dumptey mess, I'd have to bring her back with a medal to get back in the Temple! Wait a minute! That's it! I make Chloe a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work! That's the master plan! Oh, you've done it now, man.

**Crickee**: Chirp.

**Pippin**: _[running]_ And what makes you think you're coming?

**Crickee**: Chirp.

**Pippin**: You're LUCKY? Do I look like a sucker to you?

**Crickee**: Chirp.

**Pippin**: What do you mean, a loser? What if I pop one of you antennae of and throw it across the yard, then who's the loser, or me?

**Crickee**: Chirp.

_*****Pippin chases him out of the yard and down the road.*** **_

_*****The Orc army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Gondorian soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Sauron.*****_

**Orc**: Gondorian Scouts.

**Soldier #1**: Sauron!

**Sauron**: Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Orc army.

_*****Laughter*** **_

**Soldier #2**: King Aragorn will stop you.

**Sauron**: Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play his game. Go! Tell your King to send his strongest armies. I'm ready.

_*****The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.*****_

**Sauron**: How many men does it take to deliver a message?

**Orc Archer**: One.

**Chloe**: Okay. Okay, how about this: _[in a deep voice]_ Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong. _[She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the ground.]_

_*****Anor rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.*****_

**Chloe**: I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army.

**Pippin**: _[covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Chloe can see is his giant shadow.]_ Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!"

**Chloe**: Aughhh!

**Pippin**: That's close enough!

**Chloe**: A ghost!

**Pippin**: Get ready, Chloe, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have been sent by the Valar to guide you through your masquerade! _[He glances down at Crickee, who is making finger-shadows of a dragon's head, and kicks him.]_ C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me. _[To Chloe]_ So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death.

**Chloe**: Who are you?

**Pippin**: Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Pippin.

_*****Chloe stares at the tiny dragon for a moment.*** **_

**Pippin**: Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh?

_*****Immediately Anor steps all over him.*****_

**Chloe**: The Valar sent a little lizard to help me?

**Pippin**: Hey, dragon, dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue-thing.

**Chloe**: You're ... um ...

**Pippin**: Intimidating? All inspiring?

**Chloe**: Tiny!

**Pippin**: Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright. _[Anor tries to chomp him.]_ DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armour.

_*****Chloe slaps him*****_

**Pippin: **Alright! That's it! Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow, dis-

**Chloe**: Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.

**Pippin**: Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that? _[Chloe nods]_. Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Crickee, get the bags! _[To Anor]_ Let's move it heifer!

_**-At the Celedhriel Camp-**_

**Pippin**: Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it!

_*****They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses*****_

**Pippin: **Beautiful, isn't it?

**Chloe**: They're disgusting.

**Pippin**: No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention.

**Recruit**: Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!

**Gimli**: Hmmm ... _[punches the recruit]_

**Merry**: _[laughing]_ I hope you can get your money back!

**Chloe**: I don't think I can do this ...

**Pippin**: It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here!

**Gimli**: _[spits]_ What are you looking at?

**Pippin**: Punch him. It's how men say hello.

_*****Chloe punches Gimli; he slams into Sam.*****_

**Sam**: Oh, Gimli! You've made a friend!

**Pippin**: Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that.

_*****Chloe slaps Gimli.*****_

**Gimli**: Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make the Valar dizzy.

**Sam**: _[picks up Gimli]_ Gimli, relax and chant with me.

**Gimli**: errrrrgh ...

**Sam**: nanuami tofu dah ...

**Gimli**: nonuamitofudah.

**Sam**: Feel better?

**Gimli**: nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken boy.

**Pippin**: Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!

**Gimli**: Rrraaaaghhh! _[Grabs Chloe and punches; she ducks and he punches Merry three times.]_ Oh, sorry Merry. Hey!

_*****He reaches down to catch Chloe from crawling away, and Merry kicks him into Sam, then attacks with a flying side kick. They start fighting, with Sam swiping to get them off. Chloe scrambles away.*****_

**Merry**: Hey! There he goes!

_*****They chase Chloe through a tent, and the Gang of Three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Sam knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Chloe.*****_

**Chloe**: Hey, guys ...

_**-Inside the Captain's Tent-**_

**Thranduil**:The Orcs have struck here, here, and here. I will take the main troops up to the Mountain Pass and stop Sauron before he destroys this village.

**Boromir**: Excellent strategy, sir! I do love surprises.

**Thranduil**: _[to Legolas]_ You will stay and train the new recruits. When Boromir believes you're ready, you will join us ... Captain.

**Legolas**: Captain?

**Boromir**: Oh! This is an enormous responsibility, Thranduil! Perhaps a soldier with more experience?

**Thranduil**: Number one in his class, extensive knowledge of training techniques ... an impressive military linuage ... I believe Legolas will do an excellent job.

**Legolas**: Oh I will! I won't let you down! This is... I mean... Yes sir.

**Thranduil**: Very good, then. We'll toast Middle-Earth's victory at Minas Tirith. I'll expect a full report in three weeks.

**Boromir**: And believe me, I won't leave anything out.

**Legolas**: Captain Legolas. Leader of Middle-Earth's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time. _[They step outside]_

**Boromir**: Most impressive.

**Thranduil**: Good luck, Captain! Yah! _[He rides off, followed by two lines of soldiers on horses.]_

**Legolas**: Good luck ... father.

**Boromir**: Day one.

**Legolas**: Soldiers!

**_***Soldiers separate, revealing a cowering Chloe***_**

**Soldiers**: HE started it!

**Legolas**: _[to Chloe]_ I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp.

**Chloe**: I'm sorry sir, I actually never meant to cause any trouble. You see, I wasn't actually thinking about what I'm supposed to do and I got so nervous and uh- [thinking from the top of her head.]

**Legolas**: What's your name?

**Chloe**: uh...um...uh...

**Boromir**: Your commanding officer just asked you a question!

**Chloe**: Uh... uh...

**Pippin**: Merry! How 'bout Merry?

**Chloe**: (to Pippin) HIS name is Merry.

**Legolas**: I didn't ask for HIS name, I asked for yours!

**Pippin**: Uh ... Ah-chu!

**Chloe**: Ah-chu!

**Legolas**: AH-CHU?!

**Pippin**: Gesuintit! Hee hee ... I kill myself.

**Chloe**: Pippin ...

**Legolas**: Pippin?

**Chloe**: No.

**Legolas**: Then WHAT is it?!

**Pippin**: Ernil! Ernil was my best friend growing up.

**Chloe**: It's Ernil.

**Legolas**: Ernil.

**Pippin**: 'Course, Ernil did steal my girl-

**Chloe**: Yes. My name is Ernil.

**Legolas**: Let me see your conscription notice. _[Chloe hands the scroll to him.]_ William Peredhil? THE William Peredhil?

**Boromir**: I didn't know he had a son.

**Chloe**: Er, he ... doesn't talk about me much.

**Boromir**: I can see why. The boy's an absolute idiot! (Laughter)

**Legolas**: Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ernil, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. Tomorrow, the real work begins.

_*****Grumbling*****_

**Pippin**: You know, we have to work on your people skills.

_**-Inside Chloe's tent- **_

_*****Pippin picks up Crickee and uses him for an alarm clock.*** **_

**Pippin**: All right, rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! C'mon, hup, hup, hup!

_*****Chloe pulls the blanket over her, and Pippin pulls it off.*** **_

**Pippin**: Get your clothes on, get ready! Got breakfast ready. Look, you get porridge! And it's happy to see you!

_*****Crickee is resting happily in the bowl of porridge, Pippin uses a fork to fish him out.*****_

**Pippin**: Hey, get out of there! You're gonna make people sick!

**Chloe**: Am I late?

**Pippin**: _[stuffs porridge in her mouth]_ No time to talk. Now, remember, it's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher and no fighting, play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, the other kids want to fight, then you gotta kick the other kid's butt.

**Chloe**: But I don't want to kick the other kids' butts.

**Pippin**: Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face.

_*****Chloe looks at Pippin, her mouth full of porridge.*** **_

**Pippin**: Oh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. C'mon, scare me, girl!

**Chloe**: Rrrrraaaaarrrgggghhhhh!

**Pippin**: That's my tough looking warrior! That's what I'm talking about! Now, get out there and make me proud!

_*****Anor neighs frantically*** **_

**Pippin**: What do you mean, the troops just left?

**Chloe**: They WHAT? _[She rushes out of the tent]_

**Pippin**: Wait, you forgot your sword! _[sniffs]_ My little baby, off to destroy people ...

**Boromir**: Order! People, order!

**Soldier**: I'd like a pan-fried noodle!

**Sam**: Sweet and pungent shrimp.

**Boromir**: That's not funny.

**Merry**: Looks like our new friend slept in this morning. Why, hello, Ernil, Are ya hungry?

**Gimli**: Yeah, cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich.

**Legolas**: Soldiers! You will assemble swiftly and silently, every morning. Anyone who does otherwise, will answer to me.

_*****He takes off his shirt, and Chloe stares in awe.*** **_

**Gimli**: Ooh, tough guy.

**Legolas**: _[pulls out a bow and arrow and aims it at Gimli, then at the top of a high pole in the middle of the camp.]_ Gimli. Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow.

**Gimli**: I'll get that arrow, pretty boy, and I'll do it with my shirt on. _[He walks over to the pole and prepares to climb up it.]_

**Legolas**: One moment, you seem to be missing something. _[He pulls two giant medals out of a box.]_ This represents disipline. And this represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow. _[He ties them around Gimli's wrists, and all the soldiers after him, and none of them can make it to the arrow.]_

**Legolas**: We've got a long way to go.

_Beginning of "I'll Make a Man Out of You." _

**Legolas**: _Let's get down to business  
To defeat the Orcs  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons_

_You're the saddest bunch  
I ever met, but you can bet  
Before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man  
Out of you._

_Tranquil as a forest  
But on fire within  
Once you find your center  
You are sure to win  
You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot  
And you can bet before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man out of you. _

**Sam**: _I'm never gonna catch my breath _

**Gimli:** _Say good-bye to those who knew me _

**Merry**: _Boy I was a fool in school for cutting gym _

**Pippin**: _This guy's got 'em scared to death _

**Chloe**: _I hope he doesn't see right through me _

**Sam**: _Now I really wish that I knew how to swim _

_(Be a man)  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
(Be a man)  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
(Be a man)  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon_

_Time is racing t'ward us  
Till the Orcs arrive  
Heed my every order  
And you might survive  
You're unsuited for the rage of war  
So pack up, go home, you're through  
How could I make a man out of you_

_(Be a man)  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
(Be a man)_

_*****Chloe is successfully climbing for the arrow*****_

_With all the force of a great typhoon  
(Be a man)  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon_

_*****Legolas sees her up the top and is surprised, she smiles at him*****_

_(Be a man)  
We must be swift as a coursing river_

_*****She beats him in hand to hand combat*****_

_(Be a man)  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
(Be a man)  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!_

_*****They all train with complete success*****_

_*****Sauron cuts the top off a tree. The hawk flies overhead and drops a small doll. Sauron jumps down from the tree and throws the doll to one of the Orcs.*****_

**Sauron**: What do you see?

**Orc #1**: Black pine ... from the high mountains!

**Orc #2**: White horse hair ... Umperial stallions.

**Orc #3**: Sulphur ... from cannons.

**Sauron**: This doll came from a village in the Mountain Pass, where the Gondorian Army is waiting.

**Orc Archer**: We can avoid them easily.

**Sauron**: No. The quickest way to King Aragorn is through that pass. Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.

_**-Celedhriel Camp, at night- **_

**Pippin**: Hey, this is not a good idea. What if somebody sees you?

**Chloe**: Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.

**Pippin**: so a couple guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky, picky, picky. Myself, I kinda like that corn-chip smell.

**Chloe**: _[Jumps in the water]_ Ah.

**Pippin**: Okay, all right, alright, that's enough, now c'mon, get out before you get all pruney and stuff.

**Chloe**: Pippin, if you're so worried, go stand watch!

**Pippin**: Yeah, yeah. Stand watch, Pippin, while I blow our secret with my stupid girly habits. Hygiene.

_*****Three (naked) men flash by, laughing.*** **_

**Pippin**: We're doomed! There're a couple of things I KNOW they're bound to notice!

_*****Chloe ducks into the water as Merry, Gimli and Sam jump into the water. She tries to hide herself with a lilypad.*****_

**Gimli**: Hey, Ernil!

**Chloe**: Oh, hi, guys, I didn't know you were HERE. I was just washing so now I'm clean and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye.

**Merry**: Come back here! I know we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Merry.

**Sam**: And I'm Sam.

**Chloe**: Hello, Sam.

**Gimli**: And I am Gimli, King of the Rock! And there's nothing you girls can do about it.

**Merry**: Oh yeah? Well, I think Ernil and I can take you!

**Chloe**: I really don't want to take him anywhere.

**Merry**: But, Ernil! We have to fight!

**Chloe**: No, we don't. We could just close our eyes, and ... swim around!

**Merry**: C'mon! Don't' be such a ... OW! Something bit me!

**Pippin**: What a nasty flavor.

**Merry**: _[sees Pippin]_ SNAKE!

_*****While Gimli, Sam and Merry are shrieking, Chloe whistles for Anor and sneaks away.*** **_

**Merry:** [huddled on the rock with Sam and Gimli] Some King of the Rock.

**Chloe:** Boy, that was close.

**Pippin: **No, that was vile. You owe me big!

**Chloe: **I never want to see a naked man again.

_*****A herd of naked men flash by.*** **_

**Pippin: **Don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.

_**-In Boromir's tent-**_

**Boromir: **You think your troops are ready to fight? Hah! They wouldn't last a minute against the Orcs!

**Legolas: **They completed their training.

**Boromir:** Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers than you are to be captain. Once the general reads my report, your troops will never see battle.

**Pippin**: Oh, no, you don't! I've worked too hard to get Chloe into this war! This guy's messing with my plans!

**Legolas**: We're not finished!

**Boromir**: Be careful, Captain. The general may be your father, but I am the King's Council. And, oh, by the way, I got that job on my own. You're dismissed.

**Chloe**: [to Legolas] Hey, don't listen to him. I think you're a great captain!

**Pippin**: I saw that.

**Chloe**: What?

**Pippin**: You like him, don't you?

**Chloe**: No! I ...

**Pippin**: Yeah, right, sure. GO TO YOUR TENT!

_*****Smiling, Chloe walks away.*****_

**Pippin**: [to Crickee] I think it's time we took this war into our own hands.

_*****They rush into the tent as Boromir strolls out, dressed in a towel, a hat, and slippers. **_

_**Crickee types out a letter, like a typewriter.*****_

_**Pippin**__: _Okay, lemme see what you've got. [reads] From General Thranduil. 'Dear Son, we're waiting for the Orcs at the pass. It would mean a lot of you'd come and back us up.' Hmm. That's great, except that you forgot, 'and since we're out of popourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some!' HELLO! This is the army! Make it sound a little urgent, please. You know what I'm talking about?

_*****Crickee hops around typing out another letter.*****_

**Pippin**: That's better, much better! Let's go!... Nory, baby. We need a ride.

_*****Anor squirts him off, and Crickee slowly backs off.*****_

_**-At the lake. Laughter-**_

**Boromir**: Insubordinate ruffians. You men owe me a new pair of slippers! [More laughter] And I do not squeal like a girl! [He turns to see a straw soldier (Pippin and Crickee) riding a panda bear.] Eeeeeeek!

**Pippin**: [In a deep voice] Urgent new from the general! [He holds out a scroll] What's the matter, you've never seen a black and white before?

**Boromir**: Who are you?

**Pippin**: Excuse me? I think the question should be, who are you! We're in a war, man! There's no time for stupid questions! I should have your hat for that! Snatch it right off your head! I'm feeling gracious today, so ... carry on. [Boromir turns, and the panda climbs up a nearby tree.]

_-In the captain's tent- _

**Boromir**: Captain! Urgent news from the general! We're needed at the front!

**Pippin**: Pack your bags, Crickee, we're moving out!

_Begin "A Girl Worth Fighting For." _

_For a long time we've been marching off to battle.  
In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle.  
Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore.  
Hey! Think of instead, a girl worth fighting for!  
Huh?  
That's what I said! A girl worth fighting for!_

_I want her paler than the moon, with eyes that shine like stars.  
My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!  
I couldn't care less what she'll wear, or what she looks like!  
It all depends on what she cooks like!  
Beef, pork, chicken, mmm ..._

_Bet the local girls thought you were quite the charmer!  
And I bet the ladies love a man in armour!  
You can guess what we have missed the most  
Since we went off to war!  
What do we want?  
A girl worth fighting for!_

_My girl will think I have no flaws  
That I'm a major find  
How 'bout a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?  
Nah!  
My manly ways and turn of phrase and sure to thrill her!  
He thinks he's such a lady-killer!_

_I've a girl back home who's unlike any other!  
Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother!  
But when we come home, in victory  
They'll line up at the door!_

_What do we want?  
A girl worth fighting for!  
Wish that I had  
A girl worth fighting for!  
A girl worth fighting-_

_*****They stare in horror at the charred and burning remnants of a small village. They walk through it.*****_

**Legolas**: Search for survivors!

_*****Chloe picks up a small doll*** **_

**Legolas**: I don't understand. My father should've been here.

**Boromir**: Captain!

_*****They turn to see a bloody battlefield full of dead Gondorian soldiers. Sam hands the general's helmet to Legolas.*****_

**Sam**: The ... general.

_*****Legolas takes his sword and sticks it in the snow, then places the helmet on the hilt and says a prayer.*** **_

**Chloe**: I'm sorry.

**Legolas**: [mounts his horse] The Orcs are moving quickly. We'll make better time to Minas Tirith through the Mountain pass. We're the only hope for King Aragorn now. Move out!

_*****The army slowly walks away. Chloe places the doll by Legolas' sword and joins the others. **_

_**As the Gondorian Soldiers slowly walk through the mountain pass, a rocket in the wagon attached to Anor suddenly goes off, shooting into the sky. Chloe looks at Pippin accusingly.*****_

**Legolas**: What happened? You just gave away out position! Now we're- [an arrow hits his shoulder, throwing him off the horse. Orcs appear on a cliff, and arrows shower down on the soldiers.] Get out of range!

_*****The pitiful Gondorian army struggles to get away from the Orcs, but are intercepted by another group of Orcs up on another cliff.*****_

**Legolas**: Save the cannons!

_*****The soldiers pass the cannons from the wagon to each other. The wagon gets hit by a flaming arrow, and Chloe cuts Anor's reins and mounts him. The wagon explodes, sending Pippin and Crickee flying. Chloe falls off the horse.*****_

**Pippin**: Oh, sure, save the horse.

_*****Chloe grabs Pippin and her sword and runs over to the other soldiers.*****_

**Legolas**: Fire! [The soldier lights the cannon, and it explodes on the mountain. More follow.] Fire! [There is no sound from the Orcs, who are no longer on the cliffs.] Hold the last cannon.

_***Suddenly, a horse appears on the hill. Sauron is soon joined by hundreds of Orc soldiers.***_

**Legolas**: Prepare to fight. If we die, we die with honour. [The Orcs charge the Gondorian Army.] Gimli. Aim the cannon at Sauron. [Gimli aims the cannon.]

_*****While glancing at her sword, Chloe notices a glacial overhang. She grabs the cannon and runs toward the Orcs, aiming at the overhang.*****_

**Legolas**: Ernil! Ernil, come back!

_*****Frantically, as Sauron draws nearer, his sword raised, Chloe fumbles with the match.*** **_

Pippin: Okay, you might want to light that right about now, Quickly, quickly! [Chloe is attacked by Sauron's hawk, and loses the match.]

**Gimli**: C'mon, we gotta help! [The Gang of Three run toward Chloe, swinging their swords.]

_*****Chloe uses Pippin to light the cannon fuse, and it shoots off toward the overhang.*****_

**Pippin**: You missed! How could you miss?! He was three feet in front of you!

_*****The cannon hits the overhang with a bang, and causes an avalanche that rains down on the Orc Army, burying in them. In fury, Sauron roars and hits Chloe in the side with his sword blade. She quickly runs away from the avalanche, pulling Legolas with her. Anor runs toward them, and Chloe gets on and tries to give Legolas a hand, but he loses his grip and is dragged into the snow.*****_

**Pippin**: [riding down the snow in a hubcap] Chloe! Chloe! Chloe? [He pulls a Orc's head out of the snow.] Nope. Chloe! [He reaches down and pulls out Crickee.] Man, you are one lucky bug.

_*****Chloe and Anor break out of the snow and race toward Legolas, who, unconscious, is sliding on the snow toward a cliff.*****_

**Chloe**: Legolas! [She pulls him up onto the saddle.]

**Sam**: [holding up Gimli] Do you see them?

**Gimli**: Yes! [He fits an arrow, which is tied to a length of rope, and shoots it toward Chloe.] Perfect! Now I'll pull them to safety! [The rope slips through his hands.]

**Pippin**: [sliding near Chloe and Legolas] Chloe! I found a lucky cricket!

**Chloe**: We need help! [The arrow flies near them, Chloe grabs it and ties it around Anor.]

**Pippin**: [to Crickee] Nice, very nice! You can sit by me! [They climb up onto Anor, and notice the cliff.] Aaaugh! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming! [Chloe shoots the arrow up as they fall off the cliff.]

_**Gimli**__: [crying] I let them slip through my fingers ... _

_*****He looks surprised as the arrow, complete with rope, lands in his hands. He is dragged toward the cliff edge, soldiers jumping on top of him. Finally Sam walks over, picks all the soldiers up, and walks backward, pulling Chloe, Anor, and Legolas up onto the ground.*****_

**Pippin**: I knew we could do it! You the man! Well, sort of.

**Merry**: Step back, guys. Give him some air!

**Legolas**: [breathing heavily] Ernil, you are the craziest man I ever met. And for that, I owe you my life. From now on, you have my trust.

**Merry**: Let's hear it for Ernil, the bravest of us all!

**Gimli**: You're King of the Mountain!

_*****Cheering. Chloe tries to stand up, but collapses to the ground, gasping.*****_

**Legolas:** Ernil! What's wrong? [Chloe moves her hands to reveal blood.] He's wounded! Get help! [Chloe sinks into unconsciousness.] Ernil, hold on. Hold on.

_*****The doctor emerges from his tent and says something to Legolas, who looks disturbed and rushes inside. He looks at Chloe, who sits up in bed, her side bandaged. Legolas stares at her, recognizing her as a girl. Chloe realises her mistake and pulls the blanket back on.*****_

**Chloe**: I can explain!

**Boromir**: So it's true!

**Chloe**: Legolas!

**Boromir**: [yanking Chloe out of the tent and pulling her hair out of a bun] I knew there was something wrong with you! A woman! Treacherous snake!

**Chloe**: My name is Chloe. I did it to save my father!

**Boromir**: High treason!

**Chloe**: I didn't mean for it to go this far!

**Boromir**: Ultimate dishonour!

**Chloe**: It was the only way! Please, believe me!

**Boromir**: Captain?

_*****Legolas walks over to Anor and takes out Chloe's sword. The Gang of Three start to rush over to her, but Boromir stops them.*****_

**Boromir**: [to the soldiers holding Anor] Restrain him. [to the Gang of Three] You know the law.

_*****Legolas walks over to Chloe and throws the sword in the snow in front of her.*****_

**Legolas**: A life for a life. My debt is repaid. [to the soldiers] Move out!

**Boromir**: But you can't just ...

**Legolas**: [to Boromir] I said, 'Move out.'

_*****The Gondorian Army sadly walks away, leaving Chloe, Pippin, and Anor in the snow.*****_

**Pippin**: I was this close. This close! To impressing the Valar, getting the top shelf, in entourage ... man. All my fine work. [He uses the tip of an arrow to roast a piece of food over a tiny fire.]

**Chloe**: I should never have left home.

**Pippin**: Hey C'mon. You wanted to save your father's life. Who knew you'd end up shaming him, disgracing your ancestors and losing all your friends. Y'know, you just gotta ... just gotta learn to let these things go.

**Chloe**: Maybe I didn't go for my father. Maybe what I really wanted was to prove that I could do things right. So that when I looked in the mirror (she picks up her helmet) I'd see someone worthwhile. But I was wrong. I see nothing.

**Pippin**: Hey, that's just cause this needs a little spit, that's all. [He spits on the helmet.] Let me shine this up for you. I can see you, lookit you, you look so pretty! The truth is, we're both frauds. Your ancestors didn't send me; they don't even like me. I mean, you risked your life to help people you love. I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions.

***Crickee starts to cry***

**Pippin**: What do you mean, you're not lucky! You ... lied to me? [Crickee nods. Pippin turns to Anor.] And what are you, a sheep?

**Chloe**: I'll have to face my father sooner or later. Let's go home.

**Pippin**: Yeah. This ain't gonna be pretty. But don't you worry, okay? Things will work out. We started this thing together and that's how we'll finish it. I promise.

_*****The shadow of a hawk flies overheard, and around a bend. Sauron climb out of the snow and looks around. He lets out a roar. Soon he is joined by five of his soldiers. They start down the path toward Minas Tirith. Chloe watches them, grabs her sword, mounts Anor and turns after the Orcs.*****_

**Pippin**: Uh, home is that way.

**Chloe**: I have to do something.

**Pippin**: Did you see those Orcs? They popped out of the snow! LIKE DAISIES!

**Chloe**: Are we in this together, or not?

**Pippin**: [looks guilty] Let's go kick some Orcy butt! [He and Crickee jump on Anor, and they ride down the mountain, whooping.]

_**-In Minas Tirith-**_

_***The Gondorian citisens watch happily as Minas Tirith celebrates the Gondorian victory with a parade.***_

**Parade Leader**: Make way for the heroes of Middle-Earth!

_*****Legolas, the Gang of Three and the other soldiers follow glumly behind, and behind them is a large Gondorian dragon.*****_

_*****Chloe comes riding up beside Legolas*** **_

**Chloe**: Legolas!

**Legolas**: Chloe?

**Chloe**: The Orcs are alive! They're in the city!

**Legolas**: You don't belong here, Chloe. Go home.

**Chloe**: Legolas, I saw them in the mountains! You have to believe me!

**Legolas**: Why should I?

**Chloe**: Why else would I come back? You said you'd trust Ernil. Why is Chloe any different? [Legolas rides around her.] [To the Gang of Three] Keep your eyes open. I know they're here. Yah!

**Pippin**: [as Chloe dismounts Anor] Now where are you going?

**Chloe**: To find someone who will believe me! [she hurries off into the crowd.]

_*****The Gondorian Army climbs the steps to the Great Palace, followed by the Gondorian Dragon. King Aragorn meets them.*****_

**Aragorn**: My children! The Valar smiles down upon Minas Tirith! Middle-Earth will sleep safely tonight, thanks to our brave warriors!

**Chloe**: [to a citisen] Sir, King Aragorn's in danger!

**Man**: Huh!

**Chloe**: But the Orcs are HERE! [to another man] Please, you have to help!

**Man**: Eh!

**Chloe**: [to Pippin] No one will listen!

**Pippin**: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?

**Chloe**: Pippin ...

**Pippin**: Hey, you're a girl again, remember?

**Legolas**: Your Majesty, I present to you the sword of Sauron.

**Aragorn**: I know what this means to you, Captain Legolas. Your father would have been very proud.

_*****Sauron's hawk swoops down and grabs the sword. It flaps up to the roof, where a line of stone gargoyles are resting. One of the gargoyles moves and takes the sword. Orcs jump out of the Gondorian Dragon. One of them grabs Aragorn and takes him into the palace.*** **_

**Legolas**: No!

**Gimli**: C'mon! [They run up to the palace, but the Orcs close the great doors. On the roof, Sauron laughs.]

_*****The Gondorian Army uses a statue to try to break into the palace.*****_

**Chloe**: They'll never reach King Aragorn in time. [She looks around, then at the tall pillars by the side of the palace. She whistles to them.] Hey guys! I've got an idea! [The Gang of Three looks at each other and then follows Chloe, dropping the statue.]

_*****They all take off their equipment, and put on dresses and makeup, and they use the silk belts around their waists to climb up the pillars. Next to them, Legolas takes off his cape and climbs up.*****_

_*****Inside the palace, on a balcony, the Orcs hold Aragorn. Sauron sticks his head in their faces.******_

**Sauron**: [to the Aragorn] Boo. [to his soldiers] Guard the door! [to the Aragorn] Your walls and armies have fallen. And now it's your turn. Bow to me.

_*****Outside, Chloe and the Gang of Three prepare to get past the guards.*****_

**Chloe**: Okay. Any questions?

**Gimli**: Does this dress make me look Peredhilt? [he is slapped] Ow!

_*****The four "girls" walk near the guards, giggling.*****_

**Guard**: Who's there?

**Guard #2**: Concubines.

**Guard**: Ugly concubines.

_*****An apple rolls out of Merry's dress. One of the guards picks it up. The hawk notices Legolas hiding, and tries to call out, but Pippin breaths fire and torches him.*****_

**Pippin**: Now that's what I call Mongolian barbeque.

_*****The guard hands the apple to Merry, but the Gang of Three all pull fruit out of their dresses and attack the guards.*****_

**Chloe**: Legolas! Go! [Legolas runs up the stairs and into the room where Sauron and Aragorn are.]

**Sauron**: I tire of your arrogance, man. Bow to me!

**Aragorn**: No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.

**Sauron**: [raising his sword] Then you will kneel ... in pieces! [He swings the sword; Legolas rushes in and blocks it. He is swung around a pillar, and then kicks Sauron in the face.]

**Chloe**: Sam, get King Aragorn!

**Sam**: Sorry, your Majesty. [He picks up the Aragorn, and, using his silk belt, slides down the cord paper lanterns are strung on.]

**Sauron**: No! [He picks up Legolas and smashes his head against Legolas'. Chloe winces, then looks down at the ground, where Gimli and Merry are waiting.]

Gimli: Come on!

_*****Chloe looks back at the unconscious Legolas, and at Sauron who is approaching him. She pulls Sauron's sword out of the pillar and cuts the cord. People below cheer.*** **_

**Sauron**: No! [He turns to Legolas, who is now conscious.] You! You took away my victory! [He is hit by a shoe.]

**Chloe**: No! I did. [She pulls back her hair.]

**Sauron**: The soldier from the mountain!

_*****Abandoning Legolas, he chases after Chloe, who is putting on her shoe. She slams the door shut, and he rams his fist through the wood. Chloe is joined by Pippin and Crickee, riding the feather-less hawk.*****_

**Pippin**: So what's the plan?

**Chloe**: Ummmmm ...

**Pippin**: YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN?

**Chloe**: Hey, I'm making this up as I ... go ... [as they pass a window she notices a pile of fireworks and two men.] Pippin-

**Pippin**: Way ahead of you, sister! C'mon, Crickee!

_*****They jump onto a paper kite decoration and float across to the tower. Sauron attacks Chloe, and she shinnies up a pole. Sauron cuts down the pole, and Chloe and the pole go through the wall. Chloe jumps up and grabs onto the roof and pulls herself up. She looks across to where Pippin and Crickee are gathering ammunition.*****_

**Pippin**: Citisens. I need firepower!

**Citizen**: Who are you?

**Pippin**: [looking fierce] Your worst nightmare. [The two men jump off the tower.]

_**Man**__: Look! On the roof! _

_*****Chloe backs along the roof, mesuring the distance with her hands. Sauron crashes through the roof and raises his sword. Chloe pulls out a paper fan.*****_

**Sauron**: Guess you're out of ideas. [He stabs the sword through the fan; Chloe turns it around and readies the sword.]

**Chloe**: Not quite. Ready, Pippin?

**Pippin**: [with a rocket strapped to his back] I am ready, baby! [He breaths fire on a stick and hands it to Crickee.] Light me!

_*****Chloe kicks Sauron in the face, then trips him and pins his shirt to the ground with the sword. Crickee lights the fuse, and the rocket slams Sauron straight into the firework tower.*****_

**Chloe**: [picking up Pippin] Get off the roof, get off the roof!

_**[As the fireworks explode, she jumps, catches a lantern and swings down the cord, then drops onto Legolas, who is running down the stairs. Sauron's sword and Pippin land nearby.]**_

**Pippin**: Ahahahahahaha! [He catches Crickee] You are a lucky bug!

**Boromir**: That was a deliberate attempt on my life! Where is she? Now she's done it! What a mess! Stand aside, that creature's not worth protecting.

**Legolas**: She's a hero!

**Boromir**: She's a woman. She'll never be worth anything!

**Legolas**: Listen, you pompous ...

**Aragorn**: That is enough!

**Legolas**: Your Majesty, I can explain! [Aragorn raises a hand and the Gang of Three move to the side, revealing Chloe.]

**Aragorn**: I've heard a great deal about you, Chloe Peredhil. You stole your father's armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Gondorian Army, destroyed my palace! And you have saved us all. [He bows to her, and row by row, every person in the Imperial City bows to her.]

**Pippin**: Our little baby is all grown up and saving Middle-Earth! [To Crickee] Do you have a tissue?

**Aragorn**: Boromir!

**Boromir**: Your Excellency?

**Aragorn**: See that this woman is made a member of my council.

**Boromir**: What? There are no council positions open, your Majesty!

**Aragorn**: Very well. You can have his job.

**Boromir**: Wha? ... My? ... [He faints.]

**Chloe**: With all due respect, your Excellency, I think I've been away from home long enough.

**Aragorn**: Then take this [he hands her a pendant], so your family will know what you have done for me. And this [he hands her the sword of Sauron] so everyone will know what you have done for Middle Earth. [Chloe takes the gifts, then hugs Aragorn.]

**Gimli**: Is she allowed to do that? [Merry, Sam and Legolas shrug.]

_*****Chloe steps away and hugs the Gang of Three, then walks over to Legolas.*****_

**Legolas: **Um ... you ... You fight good.

**Chloe: **[disappointed] Oh. Thank you. Very much... [She kisses his cheek before she mounts Anor.]

**Chloe: **Anor, let's go home. [As she rides away, everyone cheers.]

**Aragorn: **[To Legolas] The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.

**Legolas**: ... Sir? ...

**Aragorn**: You don't meet a girl like that every day! [He puts on his crown and walks away.]

_**-At Chloe's house- **_

_*****Chloe approaches her father, who is sitting under the cherry trees. She kneels in front of him.*****_

**William**: Chloe!

**Chloe**: father! I've brought you the sword of Sauron. And the Crest of King Aragorn! They're gifts to honour the Peredhil family. [Her father drops the gifts and hugs her.]

**William**: The greatest gift in honour is having a fifteen year-old girl like you for a daughter. I've missed you so.

**Chloe**: I've missed you too, Papa.

**Granny**: [watching them] Huh. She brings home a sword. If you ask me she should've brought home a man!

**Legolas**: Excuse me, does Chloe Peredhil live here?

_*****Granny and Fiona point, dumbstruck.*****_

**Legolas**: Thank you.

**Granny:** Woo! Sign me up for the next war!

**Legolas**: Honorable William Peredhil, I- Chloe! Uhhhh ... you forgot your helmet. Well, actually it's your helmet, isn't it, I mean ...

**Chloe**: Would you like to stay for dinner?

**Granny**: Would you like to stay forever?

**Legolas**: Dinner would be great.

**Pippin**: [to Great Ancestor] Who did a good job? C'mon, tell me who did a good job.

**Great Ancestor**: Oh, all right. You can be a guardian again.

**Pippin**: AAAAAHHH-HAAAAAAAA! Whoohoohoohoohoooo!

Crickee rings the gong; all the ancestors come out.

**Pippin**: Take it, Crickee! [Crickee plays a set of drums, and all the ancestors dance.]

**Ancestor #2**: You know, she gets it from my side of the family! (Pippin swings on a chain, yelling. Falls off and goes sliding out the Temple door.)

**Great Ancestor**: Guardians.

**Chloe**: Thanks, Pippin. [She kisses him on the forehead. Suddenly, Little Brother, followed by a herd of chickens, bursts into the Temple.]

**Great Ancestor**: Pippin!


End file.
